Those Were Better Times

With the premiere of Donald Trump's latest travesty, The Apprentice: Celebrity Edition, looming ominously on the 2008 horizon like a fat slobbery retard lumbering towards Walmart at 5 am on Black Friday, my heart pangs for the days of Bill, Kwame, Amy and Nick, for the drama of Omarosa vs. Heidi, Omarosa vs. Katrina, little Stacy vs. anti-semite Jen C., etc. The Apprentice in its first-we'll say first three seasons because Kendra won the third-three seasons was totally awesome, a great new reality show that seemed to actually be about interesting issues in the world of business.

Some of my favorite classic Apprentic moments: the gals getting yelled at for pimping liquor and taking shots while on the job in the 1st season Planet Hollywood challenge, the way-overly-patriotic-and-scary commercial from the tragic 2nd season Mosaic for NYPD recruitment, the epic pitting of "street smarts" (read: too dumb to get into business school) versus "book smarts" (read: smoked too much weed in college to have started his or her own company yet)... The list goes on. Classic Apprentice is an ancient lost phenomenon that personally I think is a real loss for TV. Trump is so recognizable and despite what he might really really be like, he came across as intelligent, driven, and perhaps even a little paternal in those first seasons (funny considering it took him several seasons to phase out the brilliant Carolyn Kepcher and George Ross and replace them with his own spawn Ivanka and Don Jr.).

The show now is just a disgusting, pandering business-jargon mess. I think it started with the season where Trump made the contestants participate in a three-piece-suit-and-high-heels-clad footrace across one of his golf courses. It was most obviously degrading to its contestants on the recent LA season, where the losers had to literally sleep outside while the winners enjoyed the creature comforts of a typical reality show "mansion".

This January brings the premiere of Apprentice:Celebrity Edition, and you know it's an instant bad omen when half the 'celebrities' are people you've never heard of. Let's run down the list of contestants:


1.) Carol Alt - who?



2.) Gene Simmons - OK, this one makes sense when considering that the only celebrities that would ever agree to this show are washed up has-been losers clinging desperately to their fame. Check!


3.) Jennie Finch - Uh... *scratches head*



4.) Lennox Lewis - He's a boxer or something right? Scrambled brains from years of punches to the head sounds like a great start to being a successful businessman.



5.) Marilu Henner - see #s 1 and 3.



6.) Nadia Comenici - Trump's had Olympians on before, but usually they were athletes second to being businesspeople. Plus I actually didn't realize she was still alive.



7.) Nely Galan - this name looks like it's supposed to be an anagram of someone actually famous's name.



8.) Omarosa - finally, someone I really recognize. Apparently having been on the Apprentice qualifies one to be a celebrity... on the Apprentice.



9.) Who the fuck is Piers Morgan?




10.) Stephen Baldwin - Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahaha.




11.) Tito Ortiz - baseball, right? I think Trump's master plan is to convert all the athletes he secretly envies into Trump Organization minions.


12.) Tiffany Fallon - apparently she is "popularly known as the wife of Joe Rooney of the country singing group Rascal Flatts and Playboy's Playmate of the Year for 2005". I'm willing to believe that, having never heard of anything in that sentence by Playboy.


13.) Trace Adkins - well he at least looks like a douchebag, which usually works out pretty well on The Apprentice.



14.) Vincent Pastore - I never watched the Sopranos but I guess this guy played "Big Pussy"? Alright then.


Will this ramshackle group of misfits breathe new, famous life into the dying franchise that is The Apprentice? I guess we will all have to wait till January to find out, and of course I will end up watching this season, just like last season, if not only to go "oh my god they are all such fucking dumbasses" every episode. Until then I am content to think fondly of the good times that came before Randall, Rebecca, British Ugly Sean and crazy Frank.

Have you ever succombed to the trash-treasure spectrum that is The Apprentice? Any all-time faves?