Those Were Better Times

With the premiere of Donald Trump's latest travesty, The Apprentice: Celebrity Edition, looming ominously on the 2008 horizon like a fat slobbery retard lumbering towards Walmart at 5 am on Black Friday, my heart pangs for the days of Bill, Kwame, Amy and Nick, for the drama of Omarosa vs. Heidi, Omarosa vs. Katrina, little Stacy vs. anti-semite Jen C., etc. The Apprentice in its first-we'll say first three seasons because Kendra won the third-three seasons was totally awesome, a great new reality show that seemed to actually be about interesting issues in the world of business.

Some of my favorite classic Apprentic moments: the gals getting yelled at for pimping liquor and taking shots while on the job in the 1st season Planet Hollywood challenge, the way-overly-patriotic-and-scary commercial from the tragic 2nd season Mosaic for NYPD recruitment, the epic pitting of "street smarts" (read: too dumb to get into business school) versus "book smarts" (read: smoked too much weed in college to have started his or her own company yet)... The list goes on. Classic Apprentice is an ancient lost phenomenon that personally I think is a real loss for TV. Trump is so recognizable and despite what he might really really be like, he came across as intelligent, driven, and perhaps even a little paternal in those first seasons (funny considering it took him several seasons to phase out the brilliant Carolyn Kepcher and George Ross and replace them with his own spawn Ivanka and Don Jr.).

The show now is just a disgusting, pandering business-jargon mess. I think it started with the season where Trump made the contestants participate in a three-piece-suit-and-high-heels-clad footrace across one of his golf courses. It was most obviously degrading to its contestants on the recent LA season, where the losers had to literally sleep outside while the winners enjoyed the creature comforts of a typical reality show "mansion".

This January brings the premiere of Apprentice:Celebrity Edition, and you know it's an instant bad omen when half the 'celebrities' are people you've never heard of. Let's run down the list of contestants:


1.) Carol Alt - who?



2.) Gene Simmons - OK, this one makes sense when considering that the only celebrities that would ever agree to this show are washed up has-been losers clinging desperately to their fame. Check!


3.) Jennie Finch - Uh... *scratches head*



4.) Lennox Lewis - He's a boxer or something right? Scrambled brains from years of punches to the head sounds like a great start to being a successful businessman.



5.) Marilu Henner - see #s 1 and 3.



6.) Nadia Comenici - Trump's had Olympians on before, but usually they were athletes second to being businesspeople. Plus I actually didn't realize she was still alive.



7.) Nely Galan - this name looks like it's supposed to be an anagram of someone actually famous's name.



8.) Omarosa - finally, someone I really recognize. Apparently having been on the Apprentice qualifies one to be a celebrity... on the Apprentice.



9.) Who the fuck is Piers Morgan?




10.) Stephen Baldwin - Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahaha.




11.) Tito Ortiz - baseball, right? I think Trump's master plan is to convert all the athletes he secretly envies into Trump Organization minions.


12.) Tiffany Fallon - apparently she is "popularly known as the wife of Joe Rooney of the country singing group Rascal Flatts and Playboy's Playmate of the Year for 2005". I'm willing to believe that, having never heard of anything in that sentence by Playboy.


13.) Trace Adkins - well he at least looks like a douchebag, which usually works out pretty well on The Apprentice.



14.) Vincent Pastore - I never watched the Sopranos but I guess this guy played "Big Pussy"? Alright then.


Will this ramshackle group of misfits breathe new, famous life into the dying franchise that is The Apprentice? I guess we will all have to wait till January to find out, and of course I will end up watching this season, just like last season, if not only to go "oh my god they are all such fucking dumbasses" every episode. Until then I am content to think fondly of the good times that came before Randall, Rebecca, British Ugly Sean and crazy Frank.

Have you ever succombed to the trash-treasure spectrum that is The Apprentice? Any all-time faves?

Damn You, Recap Episodes!!

Nothing gets me shaking my fist at the TV harder and going "noooooooo" for longer than when I tune in for some show I've been looking forward to for days only to discover that for whatever stupid reason this week is the recap episode! Booooo recap episodes. It's like, hello, I've been watching this show weekly like its pumping crystal meth into my eyeballs. Just because you're plying me with maybe 8 minutes tops of "new" material on top of rehashing the last 8 weeks of new shows doesn't mean that this episode counts as "new". So stop billing episodes as "all new this week!" when what you really mean is "roughly 9% of this week's episode is new!"

Although I shouldn't complain because while I have already had to waste one Wednesday night hour on Next Top Model's recap show (the only memorable "new" scene that I can think of was Bianca running face-first into a glass door, which, OK, was kind of hilarious), I lucked out last night in that Survivor's recap show conveniently aired as I was dozing off into a turkey-stuffing-potato-pie tryptophan-induced coma in the car on the way home. So at least there's that.

I still lament the loss of Frosti from Survivor; he seemed like he would be genuinely awesome to watch in immunity challenges and all in all probably a cool dude to hang out with. Plus Courtney will probably shrivel up and freeze to death without being able to huddle against him for warmth now. I predit Peh-Gei going next week unless she scores immunity again, and I see a plans-blowing-up-in-your-face moment in the near future for our little gay-mormon-stewardess friend Todd.

Are you watching Survivor: China? Did I miss anything great in the recap? Who are your picks for final three?

The Internet totally regrets being polite that one time, because now it'll never hear the end of me!

Oh. My. God. The Internet! It’s such an honor to finally meet you, I mean I’ve been a fan(girl) for a long time and I was always like, if I ever actually get to the chance to talk to you, and of course I thought this was purely hypothetical until now anyway, and well first of all I always swore I would never like flag you down and interrupt what you were doing because, I mean, you must get that so much and I totally want to respect that you’re just trying to live life too, but on the other hand I think you totally deserve to be acknowledged for all your hard work and talent and so I couldn’t just pretend like we aren’t here right now, face to screen, really interacting for the first (but hopefully not the last) time… and did I say what a fan(girl) I am? Way more than these wannabes, anyway...

Ok, now that I’m done gushing, thanks to Emma for inviting me to write on her “humble” blog. TV has gotten me through some rough and/or boring times in life and with this strike in action it has suddenly become apparent just how much I’ve taken it for granted. So let’s celebrate TV, and the Internet, all at once in some sort of insane word orgy!

Since Emma started with a top-ten shows list, so will I. I only chose shows currently airing (some, sadly, for just a few more weeks) so as to ease the task a little. Voila:

Gossip Girl
Survivor
Battlestar Galactica
America’s Next Top Model
Nip/Tuck
The Amazing Race
30 Rock
I Love New York 2
Dexter
Project Runway
Gossip Girl

I know that’s 11, but I couldn’t resist the Gossip Girl sandwich. Blair Waldorf raises my on-fire roof. (No single outdated metaphor suffices.) My true number 11 is Heroes, whose second season has been weak enough to bump it off the list, proper, but whose continued inclusion of shirtless Peter Petrelli keeps it a close runner-up.
A STALKER ARISETH!

I've Made a Huge Mistake

I started watching Arrested Development after being told over and over again by countless friends that I should watch it. I was finally convinced by a hot new boyfriend and now I totally love it. One of my favorite things about Arrested Development is GOB and occasionally Michael going "I've made a huge mistake." So funny. It's totally entered into my everyday vocabulary.

I also love the chicken dances that appear occasionally throughout the show's three seasons, none of which ever look or sound like actual chickens. This show is really great and very quirky and silly while at times touching and sweet. People didn't like it when it was on Fox because most people watching primetime Fox are idiots who just want to watch Family Guy and even then still don't get most of the jokes. Arrested Development demands watching from the first episode and watching chronologically, which makes it ironic that it was cancelled from a fickle spot on Fox's lineup that constantly got bumped out for football or Prison Break or whatevs.

If you've never seen Arrested Development it's totally worth a DVD rental.

The Greatest Tragedy of Our Time

I have never been as sad about a double elimination on a dating reality show as I was two weeks ago on I Love New York 2 when our lady New York eliminated BOTH of my super-favorites. The pool of eligible guys that Miss New York is choosing from has truly deteriorated thanks to the tragic loss of both "It" and Midget Mac. I think their memory needs honoring.

"It" truly brought the hilarity to this season of the show. My friends and I shall never stop communicating entire conversations with "Son son son son son!". His ridiculous antics, silly way of speaking and aggressive disgusting pursuit of licking New York's face will not soon be forgotten.

Midget Mac was a true hero of our time. I knew this the second VH1 validated the idea by finally panning the camera downwards to include all of him, and not just the top half of his face, in his interview shots. New York may have found a convenient way to sensitively eliminate him when he told her about his girlfriend having died earlier in the year, but I truly think she made a mistake and should have kept him around. I think a few more episodes would have convinced her that he was a bigger thug than any other dude on that show! I mean for fuck's sake, how many players do you know with a different customized fitted cap for every day of the week? Not many, that's how many!

New York's judgment always ends up seeming a bit clouded on this show. This past week she got rid of Wolf who was by far the hottest dude left (not to mention the alleged large package) just because he farted in her presence. Although I guess that guy farts are a lot more offensive when you haven't actually slept with the guy yet. If every girl dumped any guy who farted in front of her there would be a lot of single gals out there.

Are you watching I Love New York this season? Who are you rooting for out of the dismal group of leftovers we're still working with?

An Especially Painful Episode of The Office

One thing I've always loved about NBC's version of The Office was that most of the time it was actually funny, unlike the BBC version which often garners more cringes than laughter. It's painful watching stupid people say and do stupid things that result in misfortune. The antics of Steve Carrell's Michael Scott in contrast with the dry, bored humor that comes from the everyday banality of working in an office has truly come to life for me in the last 8 months of working at my first 'real' job.

The American version often approaches the cringeworthy awkwardness of the British version, but never so much as it did last Thursday (11/14). The plotline of Kelly (the amazing Mindy Kaling) and Pam's rivalry over their boyfriends' ping pong victories was funny but oh my god, I just wanted to cry for Michael during his deposition at Corporate over Jan's firing. My friend Nick (who will soon be joining me as co-writer here at EmmTV) has a habit of curling up in the fetal position with his arms covering his face whenever something especially awkward happens on The Office. This last episode went further than that - it wasn't just awkwardness becoming painful, it was actual painful hurtful dialog.

Then again, I think I would rather it go further in that direction than try to be more mainstream easily funny the way a lot of sitcoms get. I would always rather see Jim and Pam be awkwardly cute together than have a passionate TV kiss followed by a "ooooooooooh!" canned soundtrack.

Is it just me or was The Office this past week extra-hard to watch?

Look Out World, Here Comes EmmTV

And it will rock your socks. Welcome to my new TV blog where I shall be posting about TV I like. Since this is the introductory post I'll start out just by listing a few of the delicious TV shows that are near and dear to my heart and that I'll probably post about most frequently.

Futurama
The Office
Survivor
I Love New York
Flavor of Love
America's Next Top Model
Gossip Girl
Project Runway
Top Chef
The Hills

I would roughly call that my top 10. My favorite by far is Futurama, a masterpiece of an animated sitcom if you've never seen it. There's just something about the deep character development, the well crafted plotlines and the gorgeous animation in certain scenes that really works for me. I'll watch almost any episode of Futurama at any time. I especially love the episodes that touch on harder and sadder emotions, something that very few shows seem willing to do realistically these days (and considering Futurama is set 1,000 years from now, it's hard to believe that it should be one of the more realistic portrayals of actual human interaction out there). It's also totally funny and filled with references and jokes that few people will actually get. The characters are amazing as well - I love Fry as the dumbass with a heart of gold, and Leela as the one-eyed Everywoman. I can't wait for the release of the new movies and the eventual return to cable on Comedy Central.

If you have happened across my humble blog and are a fan of Futurama, who's your favorite character? Have you pre-ordered Bender's Big Score yet?